By Tia Mansouri

“I just don’t understand,” sobbed one girl who competed in the USA Today Trivia challenge, which took place at the SAC. “The US Attorney General is Richard L. Thornburgh!”

Steady, salty tears cascaded down her face and left watermarks all over the pictures of Miley Cyrus littering the front page of today’s issue of USA Today. The girl, who refused to be named, was outraged at the nature of the questions that were asked at the recent event. Her team consistently got every question for which they buzzed in wrong. Why? She believed the current year to be 1988.

“This is stupid. This idiot is asking what countries that broke off from the former Soviet Union are trying to join NATO. Last I checked, that wall was just as erect as ever. And I’ll be damned if it comes down any time soon!”

When one of the competing teams answered “Yugoslavia*” and was told they were incorrect, she stomped her foot and fidgeted.

“Of course it exists,” she bellowed, while onlookers stared momentarily and then quickly looked away.

When we showed her the date on the newspaper, she scoffed. “Look. It mentions George Bush right here! Now, is the president George Bush, or is it not George Bush!”

We didn’t have the heart to tell her that the president was not, in fact, George H. W. Bush, but rather, George W. Bush, Jr.

For others, the event was not so much confusing as simply tedious.

“I came here expecting to have to answer real questions—things people want to know—things that matter, such as the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow,” said one boy, who also refusing to be named.

“I just want that hour of my life back,” quipped the boy, quietly sticking a USA Today pen inside his pocket protector as he left.

*Now, hopefully you’ve figured out that this article is a satire. But someone actually answered this question with a country that no longer exists. True story.